Being Grateful When You Feel like Sh*t

My dad passed away on New Year’s eve. While everybody was celebrating, I was on the phone with a nurse who was telling me he couldn't breathe, and then had a stroke, and that, “yes, it was most likely due to the vodka he kept ordering into the care home without permission despite the fact he knew his heart was very, very weak.”

In this moment, my mind started wildly searching for the last time I saw him. Remembering and analysing the room, the conversation, his droopy face, in all of its fullness like the way you angle a rubik’s cube forward and backward, sideways and around, trying to logically solve this very complex problem. But then realising it wasn't something I could solve logically.

I think he knew it was going to be over despite my naivety. As if it was a take-by-take sequence on an old black and white film: the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital waiting area, the nurse calling my name, gesturing me over, waiting like a skyscraper in a storm we start walking past the other hurt patients, and through the hollow hall, arriving at his room and feeling sick from his bloated body and the smell of rot.

I hadn’t seen him for over a year. I was trying to distance myself from his narcissistic tendencies and now severe alcoholism (‘three bottles of vodka per day,’ said the nurse).

I don’t remember everything that happened in that moment, but he said something like, “Meagan, I want you to know that from the first moment I held you as a tiny baby, I knew right away you would become the successful, determined woman you are today. I knew from day one you were going to be brilliant.”

I was shocked. I couldn’t receive the compliment because before this point in time he had never said anything like this to me, or anyone else, in his life. Period.

Looking back now, I realise how important this moment was and I wish I could have been more grateful and received the gift he was giving me. Closure.

This takes me to my main point: being grateful.

After my father’s death I had to figure out a way to be more grateful. It was a life or death feeling. I couldn't live in negative thoughts all the time. So, every night before I fell asleep I would meditate to music (check out first newsletter here), and sometimes add a gratefulness practice into the mix.

I would usually sprinkle gratitude into my meditations when I was having a particularly depressing day. Slowly but surely it became more regular, and less forced, albeit extremely difficult in the beginning. Sometimes I could not think of anything at all.

After a lot of fails, and very few successes, and via Deepok Chopra’s 21 day meditation, it became a simple thought.

I would ask myself, what is ONE thing I am grateful for today? Alongside breathing slowly and holding awareness in my body, I was finally able to find this one thing.

The breathing in particular (4 seconds breathing in through the nose, 6 seconds breathing out through the mouth) really helped me get into a relaxed state where I was able to be more present and appreciative.

Here is the 21 day meditation which has 3 x meditations on gratitude you can choose from:

Then, gratitude started to pour into other areas of my life. I started doing this at dinner time with the kids, which has now become our dinner time conversation. Wilder, my three-year-old, will now ask, “what was your positive for today?” and we go around the table and share our one positive.

In my experiments with meditation I read and listened to a lot of different ways to foster gratefulness, alongside science-backed research, I found the gratefulness meditation I enjoyed the most was on the 10 Percent Happier app. You can search for “Nightly Gratitude” in the app, it is spoken by Jeff Warren, and you can choose between 5 - 15 minutes.

This gratefulness meditation is a deep dive into the small, beautiful moments that happen throughout your day.

For example, when I picked up Wilder from nursery, the door opened, he looked me straight in the eye and ran to me as fast as he could, bulldozing into my arms with THE biggest smile on his face. He said, “I love you more than the ocean mummy,” which is something I say to him every night before he goes to bed. Honestly I teared up.

You can’t beat anything more than this moment, and in the gratitude meditation, you hone in on that moment and hold there. Feeling the sensations you felt in the moment when it happened. Smelling, feeling, and listening to his little toddler voice, I found myself smiling in the dark of the bedroom just before falling into a blissful sleep.

Here’s the science-backed research: A 2017 study by the University of California, Berkeley, found that, after writing gratitude letters in addition to attending therapy, study participants experienced far better mental health outcomes than those who didn’t engage in a gratitude activity.

Researchers found that by refocusing our attention to the positive on a regular basis, we can literally change our brains. When we practice gratitude, we train our brain to be more gratitude-focused in the future, which makes us more positive in general.

Other studies confirm this research, regular gratitude practices can:

• Increase happiness and life satisfaction.

• Boost positive emotions.

• Reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms.

• Improve our health related to immune response, blood pressure, and chronic pain.

• Facilitate better sleep.

• Increase resiliency.

• Strengthen relationships.

• Promote forgiveness, generosity, and other prosocial behaviors.

So, if you’re looking for more practical ways of fostering gratefulness, here are a few other practices I’ve tried:

7 Simple Gratitude Practices You Can Do Right Now (or this weekend)

1. Say, “Thank you!” more often. The first activity? Literally give thanks! By expressing your gratitude to other people, you exercise an important social function that can help you feel better as a result. It can also remind you of what you were grateful for throughout the day.

2. Keep a journal. Try writing down 3-5 things every day or week that you’re grateful for. They can be big or small, such as a beautiful sunset, a supportive friend, or a good cup of coffee. Reflecting on positive aspects of your life and expressing gratitude for them can increase your overall happiness. If you’re into research, you can also try the Thnx4 online gratitude journal. This platform allows you to track your own gratitude entries while also contributing to important research on how gratitude impacts our daily lives for the better.

3. Write a letter or email. Take the time to write an email or letter expressing your gratitude to someone who has had a positive impact on your life. Writing a gratitude letter helps you honour those people in your life who have brought you joy, support, or comfort. It can also build social relationships and empathy. (and research shows you don’t even have to send the letter to experience the benefits of this exercise) Check out this prompt to get you started.

4. Use a jar. A gratitude jar is a simple exercise that only requires a few supplies: a jar (or box), paper, pen, and anything you want to decorate your new container. At the end of your day, add at least one thing to the jar. Over time, you’ll have a visual reminder of how many things you have to be grateful for.

5. Pick a rock. A rock—or any small object—can be used as a physical reminder to practice gratitude throughout your day. Whenever you see it or touch it, think of one thing you’re grateful for. In addition to practicing gratitude, this activity can also help bring a mini-mindfulness session into your day. It’s a win-win!

6. Create a gratitude board. Like a vision board, a gratitude board can also be a visual reminder of the life you’re working toward. Create a collage of all the people, places, and things that bring you gratitude. Hang it where you can see it often! Then, every three months or so, make a new board.

7. Become a thought-stopper. We often find ourselves in an automatic negative mindset, especially if things just aren’t going our way that day. One thing can snowball into another. Next thing you know, every thought we’re having is a negative one. STOP! the thought. By stopping those thoughts in their tracks, you can practice gratitude in the present moment. Don’t beat yourself up for having the negative thought; just notice it. And then try to follow it up with a positive thought, affirmation, or statement of gratitude. This could be as simple as: I’ve survived every rough day so far, or, I am enjoying this cup of coffee I’m drinking.

The main idea for this week: even though it’s hard to be grateful every day or, in my case, in an important moment that you will never have again, there are simple ways to be grateful. Like everything else in life, you have to practice to make it more of a habit. You can start with something simple like saying thank you, and then build from there. This weekend I encourage you to find one simple gratitude practice that works for you.

Sending you all much love,

Meg

As always, if you want to connect, join us here @megandtheboys