Creating from the inside out

This week I had an epiphany: I don’t need to protect myself from anything anymore.

Looking back on my childhood, I can see what I was trying to protect - my heart, my sanity. But now, I am in a good place. I have a caring partner, two beautiful children, and friends who are there for me.

I’m not even totally sure what I was trying to protect, or hide, perhaps I still thought of myself as a person who was too sensitive or not enough of _____.

It’s interesting because we can sometimes get lost in these ideas we have created for ourselves that are not true. Ideas that are usually formed from our external worlds.

We need to create from within.

For example, I started to notice this feeling crop up recently: fear of abandonment. My father passed away this year and a truck load of feelings resurfaced about our relationship. As a child, he was not there and then reappeared as a young adult. Before he passed away, he disappeared again into alcoholism, which is where I tried to save him but could not.

Lost, and then found, and then lost again. And now, he is officially lost.

What I have come to realise this week is that I have been projecting this sense of loss onto many different events in my life.

For instance,

—>when I feel like my friends don’t want to hang out with me

—>when my partner wants to have time alone

—>when my kids respond negatively to a hug.

These small events can sometimes be triggering. But now I know, through EMDR and noticing, is that the thoughts I have about these events are not always true.

For example when my partner doesn’t feel like talking, the thought that crops up is “my partner doesn’t care about me,” it’s not true!

However, I must admit, it’s hard to always be in a strong place mentally, to have the awareness to notice in the moment these thoughts are not true.

So asking for help has been a new go-to for me.

This last week I did a little test: I asked the community for help. I wanted to know how they combat overwhelm and stress (in particular, this was related to my three-year-old screaming at me which triggered a whole world of entangled emotions!) and it was interesting because first of all, there were over 12K views and 60 comments (what!), and second of all, I was asking the community for ideas on how to deal with “regulating emotions as a mom” but the responses were all about how I should help the child (?).

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There were some helpful (but also some v. unhelpful) responses. However I thought I’d share a couple of the good ones, and a few more that I have discovered myself through experimenting with different wellbeing practices:

• Get noise reduction headphones to reduce the amount of stimulation (which I think could work for people who don’t have kids as well)

• Give yourself a moment to notice and feel what’s going on in your body and mind

• The breathwrk app which helps you to get rid of unwanted emotions and calm your nervous system

• Breathwork in general has been a game-changer for me

And quickly, on breathwork. As a reminder, I highly suggest these methods:

• Deep breathing and hold: Certain breathing techniques, such as slow and deep diaphragmatic breathing or the 4-7-8 technique (four seconds in, hold for seven seconds, and breathe out for eight) can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the "rest and digest" response. I use this type of breathing before a big meeting or when I’m feeling nervous and honestly it really works, it leads to this sense of calm.

• Rapid breath (fire breath): Some breathwork practices involve rapid or intense breathing patterns that increase oxygen intake and stimulate the body's energy systems. This can result in increased feelings of vitality and alertness. At the festival, we did Kundalini yoga with the Kundalini Collective which incorporated this type of breathing, I felt lighter, happier and more grounded after the session, I would highly recommend trying Kundalini to cultivate more energy!

I recently did another breathwork session with Breathpod, which incorporates rhythmic breathing patterns and holding enhances oxygenation and lower carbon dioxide to the brain, improves cognitive function and focus. We set an intention at the beginning of the session and then we went into a pattern of faster breathing and holding and letting it all go. It helped me clear my mind and get in touch with my subconscious needs and wants.

This sounds insane, but I had a vision which I wrote down in my notes:

After the session I had this overwhelming sense of completion. Everything was okay, I didn’t need to protect that younger version of myself anymore.

Sending you all much love,

Meagan

I would love to hear from you! If you have anything you want to share, a story, a practice, a ramble - please send me a note or message on Instagram!